I will remember you, will you remember me
by coyotegrrrl18
Summary: Musings: Holly decides to do something about the distance between San Francisco and Toronto
1. Chapter 1

I remember what it was like to kiss you for the first time. The sharp intake of breath and my heart beating so fast, nearly out of my chest, even though I knew that that was physiologically impossible, even though I had tried to make kissing you seem so casual, so calculated, so much about shutting you and the stupid things that straight girls say up. But it wasn't any of those things, not really. It was electric. It was exhilarating, and terrifying, and crazy. It was what I had been dreaming about doing every day since you tried to unceremoniously kick me out of my crime scene. And when you kissed me back and I felt your tongue asking for more against my lips, I panicked.

I remember what it was like when you kissed me for the first time. Or maybe it was the second time. I had been so lost thinking my life could be without you in it. I had been so panicked thinking you might have been in danger. I had run to you blindly, without thought, without a plan, only knowing I needed to see you. And you, you were so stoic, so controlled so contained, until I admitted that in a rush of word vomit, that there was no one but you. You kissed me savagely then, burning my heart, branding my soul. And I knew right then that I would never be the same.

I remember what it was like to kiss you for the last time. The tears, the promises, rolling down your car window with me leaning through before you drove away. Feeling like my heart left with you in your back pocket, before I turned and drove myself to the airport. The flight, I don't remember. But knowing you were thousands of miles and several time zones away tore at the fabric of my universe. I remember your eyes, and the unshed tears, and the words we said and the promises we made. I remember the sound of your voice and the taste of your lips. And I remember the beating of your heart pressed so hard up against mine the last time we made love.

And now, for you I get on a plane and leave my world behind. For you I wait, and hold my breath and hope that you remember these things too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Thank you to everyone who is reading this little emo-detour from Hemlock. Don't worry, I am working on the next chapter of that fic too. In the meanwhile... Here you go.**

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I remember what it was like to touch you for the first time, the pure electricity of skin touching skin. It surprised me, even though perhaps it should not have, that the mere seemingly casual touch of my hand on your arm could cause such an overwhelming reaction. You didn't pull away but leaned in closer instead, and a flock of butterflies took off in my stomach.

And I remember what it was like the first time you touched me back. It was late one night after your shift on a rainy full moon. All the wack-jobs and nutcase losers were out to ruin your life, and you called to inform me that I had better come get you and feed you before you starved to death. I had been all curled up on my sofa watching Matt Smith as Dr. Who and wishing it was still David Tennant when my phone rang. I remember laughing at you and saying that of course I was only just waiting around to be your chauffeur, what else could I possibly be doing with my time? You pouted so loudly that I could see the adorable crease in your brow, even over the phone. We were curled up on my couch sharing a blanket having eaten too much pizza when you rolled over and tucked yourself under my arm with your head resting on my wildly beating heart. As you snaked your hand under my shirt and across my belly I thought if I die right now it will be ok.

I remember what it was like to touch you for the last time, not the brush of lips in the parking lot before you drove away, but to really touch you. I remember the sweetness, and the intensity, and the look in your eyes as we held on so tight. I remember the promises we so foolishly made that this was not the last time. Promises I intend to keep, even after all this time.

And now I see you here across the crowded bar, with one hand on your drink and the other around a girl. She has a sour look on her face as you lean in to say something into her ear. She rolls her eyes at your fake smile and I wonder if I should have come at all. You look up just as I am about to go and our eyes lock for one eternal moment before I step back outside and notice that the snow has turned to rain.


	3. Chapter 3

I still remember you. I still remember everything about you. I remember the texture of your skin. I remember the way you smell. I remember the scent you like to wear that makes me irrationally angry when smell somebody else is wearing it because its yours. I remember exactly the way you taste too. It creeps up on me haunting my dreams and stalking my idle waking moments. And so here I am, back in my old neighborhood, with a glass of wine in one hand and a job offer from the Toronto Police Forensic Sciences Department in the other. I could be the youngest Assistant Medical Examiner in the history of Toronto if I wanted to.

You have somebody else now and I hope that you are happy. You deserve to be happy. As my heart breaks again and the pain comes, memories of you, of us, cut me deep to the bone, and I wonder what the hell I was thinking when I come back here. But I can only lie to myself for so long. I know why. I can't regret loving you. I can't regret throwing caution to the wind and letting myself fall for you. I can't regret the late nights and far too early mornings and stealing time in interrogation rooms, and empty offices, and the back seat of my car to be alone with you. And I can't regret wanting to have you back. Even without the tempting job offer I couldn't stay away forever.

I remember the way you came to me when we were together, letting yourself in to my house and slipping into my bed. You told me that no-one had ever made you feel like this before. You said that sex and wanting to be close to someone and all of that stupid, disgusting touching that couples do finally made sense. I remember the hunger, and the longing and the look in your eyes as I made you scream with pleasure and how you wanted more. There was never enough, and never enough time. Tonight I saw the look in your eyes as they met mine across the Penny and eternity froze. I know you still remember me too. Maybe you are my kryptonite and I should stop right there before I pour myself another glass and do something stupid. But I can't get you out of my head.


	4. Chapter 4

I still remember the look on your face the first time I introduced you to Lisa and Rachel, right at this very table. The hurt, quickly covered by anger and distain. It made me wonder why Lisa wanted to meet me here now, of all places.

" Nice of you to let us know you were in town." Lisa sneered while pulling up a chair and making herself at home, "My friend Margaret called to ask me why you never returned her calls." She continued without stopping, "I mean she's a successful plastic surgeon with a practice in the Marin and Las Angeles, she's so much more appropriate than some of the other women you have dated…"

I remember how you called her Botched Boob Job just before you stormed out, and later, when you and I had started talking again, Bitch-tits. And I remember why it took me over a year and moving all the way to the other side of the continent, to another country and losing you to start talking to Lisa again.

"Holly is perfectly capable of finding lovely compatible women on her own and maybe she doesn't want to date your sloppy seconds." Rachel said with a grin as she slid into the seat next to Lisa.

"How would you know whether or not I slept with her?" Lisa began to protest as Rachael nudged me with her shoulder and rolled her eyes.

"Let's see," I narrowed my eyes at her, "to begin with, maybe it's because you told me that you met her on that CMA aesthetic body sculpting conference cruise to the Bahamas last winter."

"And why would you…?" Lisa began to protest

"Because she knows you well." Rachel cut her off and started laughing.

"You know…" I sighed, "Who else needs a drink?" I stood up ready to go to the bar. I watched Lise huff and then her eyes wander across the room to a group of women playing pool, and I remembered how you told me that you hate people, and always had something observant, biting and hilarious to say about everyone around us. And I admitted to myself that hoping to find you here was the reason I agreed to come out tonight.

Seamus, the bartender, slid a lowball of what looked very much like a Jack and Coke in front of me as I stepped up to place our order.

"What's this?" I smiled and tilted my head quizzically at him, "I didn't order anything yet."

"Uh huh." He nodded and pointed with his chin to a booth in the back.

Bright teeth flashed in a dark face as I turned to see Traci smiling and waving at me.

Great.

I had hoped to keep my presence here out of the Division Fifteen gossip mill, at least for a while. At least until I had finished negotiating the terms of my new position. At least until I found the courage to call you. I sighed and waved back while ordering a pitcher of Bandit IPA.

"I'll just bring that to your table and put it on your tab." Seamus said with a knowing smirk.

"Shut up." I rolled my eyes at him, "And thanks!"

I slurped about half of my Jack and Coke in one gulp, wishing it was a shot of tequila instead - if I was going to be drinking something that so painfully reminded me of you, and began walking over to say hello to Traci.


	5. Chapter 4 part 2

**Sorry about the delayed update and the crazy writer's block I've been experiencing. However, one of the good things about living alone and not seeing anyone for weeks is I have started writing again (maybe). I may even have a new chapter of Hemlock in the works soon. I hope you are all doing ok and being safe! And I hope you enjoy this little tidbit of a chapter. Please leave me reviews and let me know how you are doing too.**

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I still remember those late nights before we were dating when you would drunkenly knock on my door seeking refuge. I remember how I would let you in, like a stray cat coming in from the cold, in a world full of losers, or so you liked to tell me. I remember how you told me I wasn't people. I remember your eyes, so warm and trusting, as you would curl up on my couch with your head on my lap, and the secret smile that I could swear you only wore for me. And then I would cover you with the soft fleece throw and you would tease me about before telling me everything about what you were running from; your failed blind dates, or your roommate boys, or sometimes snippets about your parents or childhood in biting, ironic stories that came out in tiny bits and pieces, like extracting slivers of glass, or shrapnel from a wound before you fell asleep.

Traci motioned to Seamus the bartender as I found myself sinking into the empty bench of her booth. I remember her giving you the same wide-eyed, soft, motherly look when she thought you were being an idiot about our relationship.

"So… you're back." She said bluntly, before looking up and nodding as four more drinks materialized on the table before us.

I quickly swallowed what was left in my glass and reached for another.

"It's nice to see you too, Traci." I replied, clinking glasses with her.

"You could have let me know you were coming, you know." She scowled as she said it, but then kicked me under the table and smiled. "I am still your friend too."

I sighed and drank more.

"I'm sorry." I knew I sounded defeated, "It's.. it's just so.."

"Yeah, I get it, but Gail isn't the only one here who misses you." She replied with a tilt of her head. "And I hear your old boss may be retiring. Could that have anything to do with this visit?"

 _Damn! Traci is always on top of work gossip and that second Jack and Coke was strong!_

"Are you trying to get me drunk and pump me for information?" I laughed at her, trying to cover my growing inebriation.

"Detective." She pointed at herself, "They don't pay me the big bucks for nothing."

I remember how Traci was the one person you never said anything even remotely bad about. I remember my surprise when you tried to cancel our weekend together, and even greater surprise when you finally admitted it was because you had agreed to watch Traci's son Leo when a case she was on suddenly sent her out of town. I remember how sweet, and patient you were with him as you helped him with his schoolwork. And I remember the sappy warm glow, as you would call it, that I felt when I realized that was how you were with all children. I knew you would make an amazing mom someday, but I guess I hadn't thought it might be so soon.

"Hey! Holly!" Traci bumped my arm, pulling me from the rabbit hole that I had just gone down , "Where did you go?"

"Sorry Traci." I managed.

"Well?" She arched her eyebrows at me expectantly.

I drank again, and then caved in, "That may have something to do with it." I conceded, "Look, I should really be getting back to my friends." I continued in an attempt to get away from Traci's shrewd eyes. "And I'm sure you're here to meet up with Steve or someone."

She looked sad for a moment, and I realized that I didn't even know if they were still dating.

"I'm actually here to meet Gail." She finally answered.

"Oh." My heart neatly stopped as I squeezed the word out around the lump in my throat. "Is her girlfriend meeting up with you too?" I hoped that I succeeded in hiding the bitter taste the question left lingering on my tongue.

I remember the way you quickly threw up your walls and shut me out with the smile that didn't reach your eyes when I told you I had accepted my current job, and that I was leaving.

"Who?" Traci looked confused.

I couldn't help the spark of hope, or the way my voice trembled slightly when I asked, "That woman she was here with las night. They looked… intimate. She isn't her girlfriend? "

"Oh!" Traci laughed and shook her head, "You must mean Frankie! No!"

But the relief I felt was short lived when she continued.

"No! She and Frankie kind of have a lust hate relationship." She shook her head again, "They occasionally hook up when neither one of them is seeing anyone, but I swear it brings out the worst in both of them. Mostly they just drink and bitch about how much they hate each other."

I never knew jealousy until that moment. The chill in my blood at the thought of someone else's hands on your body, and the hot rage in my belly, burning my heart just thinking about you kissing her. I knew it was stupid, and unfair. After all, I hadn't exactly been a nun since I moved to San Francisco. But still there was no one in my life, no one in my head, no one haunting my dreams but you.


End file.
